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The best Charlie Sheen Comedy Central roast jokes not about Charlie Sheen

Last night, Comedy Central aired the roast taped last week in Los Angeles for Charlie Sheen. They poked fun at Sheen for a couple hours, though "poked" may be too light a term for some of the shots. They ranged from the obvious (Sheen's manic catchphrases, drug use, sex) to some of the more personal (his children and his ex-wife).

One of the things I find the most fascinating about roasts, though, is all the jokes not about the one being roasted but about the roasters. There's a lot of time to fill, and there are only so many good jokes to tell about one man, so these roasts often fill time taking shots at everyone else on the dais. They took some of the most brutal shots, including jokes about Patrice O'Neal's diabetes and jokes about what nobodies outside of doing roasts many of the others were. Here are some of the highlights.

Warning: As with most comedy roasts, these jokes are largely tasteless and hugely offensive. Continue at your own risk.

On Anthony Jeselnik:

Jeffrey Ross: "Anthony Jeselnik, some people are saying you’re the next Greg Giraldo. Let’s hope so."

On Jon Lovitz:

Charlie Sheen: "Tonight, I put all the craziness behind me. I say let the past stay in the past, with Jon Lovitz."

On Seth MacFarlane:

Mike Tyson: "You know, during a very tough time in my life, I got inspiration from 'The Iliad.' So you see, Seth, you’re not the only one who got by taking ideas from Homer."

On Patrice O'Neal:

Amy Schumer: "Patrice O'Neal, one of my favorite comics. Patrice has always been destined for stardom, and diabetes. So tonight is not just the roast of Charlie Sheen, it's also a farewell party for Patrice's foot."

Charlie Sheen: "The only thing slower than [Anthony Jeselnik's] delivery is Patrice O'Neal's metabolism. When I first saw Patrice on this stage, I thought the same thing we all did: Why is Mike Tyson's mother here?"

On Jeffrey Ross:

Patrice O'Neal: "Jeff Ross is a legend, his funniness is a legend. But when I say legend, I mean a myth...like the Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot. We all believe they exist, but who really ever saw it?"

On William Shatner:

Kate Walsh: "I’m so, so happy to see that William Shatner is here, because a medical colleague had told me that you’d passed on. I said, ‘Bulls---. You ever seen his resume? Shatner’s never passed on anything.’"

Amy Schumer: "William Shatner, I’ve seen less bloated men fished out of rivers."

On Steve-O:

Anthony Jeselnik: "Steve-O is trying stand-up comedy. I actually saw you perform at the Comedy Cellar, and here’s some free advice: don’t give up your suicide."

On Mike Tyson:

Patrice O'Neal: "I don’t like how comfortable white people are around you now."

Roast of Charlie Sheen Mon, Sept 19 10/9c
Amy Schumer - Slutty Face Tattoo
www.comedycentral.com
Comedy Central Funny TV Shows Roast of Charlie Sheen

Amy Schumer: "Hey Mike, here’s something you’ll never hear: Great tattoo! You have a slutty lower back tattoo on your face."

On Kate Walsh:

Anthony Jeselnik: "Kate Walsh, I don’t watch that stupid show you’re on, but I do find it interesting you have your own perfume. For that special lady who wants to smell like who gives a f---."

Charlie Sheen: "Kate Walsh, I don’t know anyone who watches your show, because I date women who still get their period."

If you want more jokes, including those actually about Charlie Sheen, you can check those out here.

Here's Charlie Sheen's big close, getting a bit self-reflective and helping us all feel like we aren't horrible people cheering on the self-destruction of a Hollywood celebrity anymore:

Roast of Charlie Sheen Mon, Sept 19 10/9c
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Comes Down
www.comedycentral.com
Comedy Central Funny TV Shows Roast of Charlie Sheen

Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images

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