I don't care about the Super Bowl.
Yes, I know, it's the most watched thing on TV. It's a uniquely American event, causing humans of all shapes, colors and sizes to put aside petty squabbles (kind of) and come together under the holy trinity of nachos, beer and television.
In fact, some might say there's only one denominator more common than sitting down and watching the Super Bowl. Only one thing everyone — EVERYONE — will pause in their daily routine and stare at.
My side job is at a doggy daycare in Hollywood and whenever I pop a photo of one of our puppies on Facebook, the comment section explodes. My friends care hilariously more about Nacho riding on my shoulders or Penny chewing a hole in the stairwell than they do me, you know, getting a new apartment (or anything else in my life).
Which is why, every January, I blow right past the two dozen versions of ESPN Comcast forces on me if I want my Nicktoons TV and I land squarely at Animal Planet. It's there that I worship at the altar of the Puppy Bowl.
The Puppy Bowl is the most perfect two hours of television ever dreamt up by a network executive. It is literally nothing more than puppies batting around a fake football for two hours. Just to put this in perspective, Casablanca is 102 minutes. Puppy Bowl is almost 20 minutes longer than Casablanca.
Oh, it may seem like Puppy Bowl is just a truckload of puppies dumped onto an oversized ping-pong table, batting around an inflatable football-shaped chew toy — and it is. But Puppy Bowl is so much more.
Puppy Bowl is a nuclear warhead of adorableness, one whose happiness fallout is guaranteed to contaminate your bloodstream for years afterward (or, like, an hour or two). It's like that scene in Pulp Fiction where Uma Thurman gets an adrenaline injection straight into her chest, but with puppies instead of adrenaline and happy instead of terrifying.
What are the dogs competing for? The Bissell MVP award. I'm pleased to report that this year the prize went away clenched in the underdeveloped jaws of Fumble — an spcaLA (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals Los Angeles) foster dog, born and bred on the concrete streets of South L.A., clawing his way to the top with typical Angeleno attitude.
All of which you would know if you watched the Puppy Bowl, instead of people doing things in tights.
Don't worry. Puppy Bowl VIII ("The Cutening") may be done, but there will always be Puppies Vs. Babies. (This is an actual Animal Planet TV show.)