Evolution’s going great, reports trilobite. Woman domesticated. Industrial revolution provides millions of out-of-work children with jobs. Burn your history textbooks, boys and girls, America's finest and funniest news source sums up the most significant headlines from the Big Bang forward. The Onion's Joe Garden fills you in on all the stories you were too busy clubbing mastodons to read.
Full Onion coverage of the history of time can be found here.
Joe Garden, Writer and Features Editor, The Onion