The Landlord's Assistant, Part 5: Bundle

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Jan. 11, 2010

Sandra Tsing Loh helps seniors secure their cable bundles.

I’ve decided to open a new business. It’s kind of a personal, one-on-one valet service. Helping seniors secure their cable bundles.

No, I am not an actual cable company. I am not Charter, I am not Verizon, I am not even Adelphia, the Greek goddess... of cable. In Rome, you recall that famous marble statue of Adelphia, embracing that handsome youth who is holding, behind a fig leaf, a rather large... cable bundle.

No, of course not. Forgive me. I am punchy. I have been on the phone with Charter now for four days, trying to get – oh wait a minute. Here’s the operator.

"Eugene Loh! Eugene Loh! He’s my dad! No, he can’t remember if he got the long distance package or the extended movie channels with promotional 20 percent off ‘On Demand’ or Blu-Ray high-def with HDTV and two months of free Showtime! No, we can’t remember his 14-digit account number – which I punched in three days ago five different times and now I can’t find the piece of paper because I was on hold with you in my car and couldn’t find my cell phone headpiece which had fallen behind the seat and then I spilled hot coffee all over my lap! And no, we can’t remember his Social!"

The last time I asked my dad his Social Security number he began mumbling: "Ba bay ba sher? San ke liu? Nee how ma?" It was like he was ordering food in Cantonese. Or Mandarin. Or whatever it is he speaks. "There was a three in there, I think there was a three. Also a seven. Also a liu. And an ar sher – Ar sher sun. Ba bay ba."

"He's 89!" I scream into the phone. "He’s 89! For the love of God! He’s practically deaf and can barely digest yogurt and he has just one toe but he’s hot for Beverly Sills so we’ll pay you the $173 or whatever outrageous price it is a month for extended fiber-optic services we can’t even understand. We don’t have a dish. Do we need a dish? For the love of God, just give the man PBS and turn his phone on. He’s 89!"

You see, that’s my method. I just started shouting his age. "All right, ma'am. May we put you on hold so an automated third party verification system can–" And I say, "No! He's 89!"

Which is why my dad now has his own rather impressive cable bundle. It’s literally a bundle of cables I put, on his dresser drawer. And he’s very happy with it.

And I can do the same for your elderly relatives. So just call me! With your 14 digit account number.

PhiloK
2 months ago

Hey mother on fire
how are the kids?
still thinking of moving in w/dad ?
or is Guavatorina still the ticket,
hang in there pilgrim....

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