The Loh Life

Losing It: Gravitational Vortex-- part one

Sandra Tsing Loh blames Wisconsin for her "unacceptable" weight.

My current weight is….unacceptable. And for that, I blame Wisconsin -- specifically the week I SPENT in Wisconsin this summer -- a week spent eating bratwurst and cheese and cheese SPREADS. There you have to, it’s the law.

Certainly there was WALKING every day-- And salads-- But I am in that TRANSITION zone between 45 and 55 where the body no longer RESPONDS to the tricks of yore-- "Black swanning" it on Monday-- eating NOTHING before dinner--in order to be able to button one’s PANTS by Thursday -- Mainlining COFFEE to flush out the TOXINS-- Taking SALT and. . . throwing it over my left SHOULDER--I’ve tried everything, AND more. Recently I thought I was ready to step BACK on the scale at the gym.

I had just STEAM roomed for 10 MINUTES-- THAT’S good for losing at least a pound -- I’d had a very thorough SHOWER-- didn’t get the hair WET, which I believe, even if you towel it out, can ADD half a pound--

Shaved off EVERYTHING except the hair on my head, left the EYEBROWS, at least SOME of the eyebrows-- Removed my necklace-- And then very gingerly--very QUIETLY--approached the Detecto from the right, which I BELIEVE is its lucky SIDE--

And to my utter disbelief-- I had actually GAINED weight! Clearly the laws of gravitation had CHANGED in Pasadena-- This could ONLY be explained by some sort of magnetic FIELD disturbance coming off whatever they’re doing at Caltech-- Recently I’ve been reading about the Hadron COLLIDER-- Where, to prove the Grand Unified Theory of the universe, scientists are looking for the elusive Higgs Boson--? I’ve been so hungry and hallucinating I overheard myself thinking: "I’ve found it people. I’ve FOUND the Higgs Boson. It was in my other purse."

Anyway, point is, after all that diligent PREPARATION for the early Christmas PRESENT I was expecting. . . Instead of scoot-scoot-scooting the little weight to the LEFT, in fussy light featherweight motions, I had to form my hand into a CLAW and move the BIG weight to the right-- That’s right, the 50 pounder. I had moved all the way UP into the NEXT fifty pound class.

Apparently my metabolism is so slow now-- And the UNIVERSE is so UNFAIR-- It’s like I’ve put ON the weight that Demi Moore has LOST. Or even WEIRDER, perhaps in some sort of Kabbala Center WORMHOLE, sitting in a hot tub in San Diego, Ashton KUTCHER has a second margarita and it flies right to MY hips--

The point being, unless I was prepared to REFINANCE for 30 years fixed at a 10% HIGHER weight, things were going to have to change. I would have to GO on an actual diet. Next week: zoning out.


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