The Loh Life

The Loh Life is writer/performer Sandra Tsing Loh's weekly take on life, family, and pop culture in early 21st century Southern California. Hosted by Sandra Tsing Loh

Gentlemen Robbers: the hit-- part 1

by The Loh Life

Sandra Tsing Loh's home gets burglarized.

Just when I thought I had made it OUT of the holiday season, a final blow – we were robbed.

I had the sort of Christmas where afterwords I didn't just take my tree to the curb, I tied it up, put a blindfold on it and shot it execution style. We had had about 20 relatives over for what seemed like a month.

The mad festivities and dark undercurrents of emotion were handled with a few too many--as they say in the carol--"cups of cheer." My partner Charles and I had JUST walked in the door after a FESTIVE early January bout of emergency couple's therapy, and were sitting down to a grim silent dinner of wildly overpriced and yet surprisingly uninviting Whole Foods salad bar selections.

“Let me check my e-mail first,” I said. But my hand clawed empty space over my desk and I heard myself wondering aloud:

"Where is my laptop?"

As it turned out, Charles' laptop was missing too, as well as two 10-year-old IPODS and a coin jar containing twenty-five dollars in change-- A downstairs window was atypically open, curtain blowing. . . The end to a perfect day.

The first rush to judgment was that this burglary was some sort of karmic RETRIBUTION for our discord. I was ready to believe this, since we had just learned via therapy that I am an emotionally NEEDY and obsessively CONTROLLING person with unresolved abandonment ISSUES, who will always bring more misery UPON myself as I keep recycling old self-destructive PATTERNS. Apparently it is I who control the flow of CRIME in Los Angeles. I'm sorry if you too were burgled recently; I'm trying to WORK on my issues.

The SECOND possible explanation came from two friendly POLICE officers. They said there had been a bunch of OTHER post-holiday robberies in the area, where Christmas X-Boxes make for easy PICKINGS.

They noted that we have a big old house, with a lackadaisical attention to CURTAINS, no security system, wobbly wooden windows, easily jimmied—It appeared to be a DRUG thing, an UNPREMEDITATED grab and go, just to get DRUG money for the NIGHT--

And then there was our THIRD set of responses, a big surprise, which took another entire PAGE of the police blotter. More on that next week!

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