To Spank or Not to Spank?

Hi Pat, this is Lana-- I'm Andrew Wahlquist's (at LA Times) wife. I'm a big fan of yours!

We only have a 2-year-old, but we do not plan to spank. How can we teach him not to hit or hurt others if we model that exact behavior to him? So far it has made discipline less "easy," for example, we put him in time-out and then give him a talking-to and then try to show him the right thing to do. It all takes much longer than a simple spanking would. But we believe it is the high road and are committed to non-violent discipline.

-Lana Joy Wahlquist
Downey, CA

To those of you who believe that hitting kids is good when they need the control, please consider that at some future date you may well be much weaker than they will have become, in body (and so unable to defend yourself well) and mentally (therefor "needing" some control).

At that point, perhaps if they hit you, you will understand better...no, probably not.

My father did not believe that routine spanking was necessary. I can recall maybe 2 or 3 times that I was "spanked." With my own son, who is now 5, I had to spank once to reinforce that hitting was not acceptible - to give him a perspective of what the recipient felt. The spank was an open handed on the bottom and not with full force.

My current parenting is based on the model which my father raised me - logic, love, listening. Physical force was only used if there was imminent danger, except to emphasize why violence is wrong. I remember distinctly why not to pull hair or hit people.

I think you should have remembered Oscar Wilde's comment about America and Britian being divided by a common language! In the British, English speaking countries smacking is the eqvivalent of spanking.

Hi Pat,

I grew up with my mom as a single parent of two, in my grandparent's home in Santa Ana, Ca. At various times during my childhood several families lived in the home together: aunts, uncles, cousins. We all got spanked all the time, and I for one am grateful. My mom, however, did it best - with a belt or sandal to our bottoms, but after a stern warning to behave. She was also consistent with discipline. Nobody else but a parent should be the "judge, jury, and executioner", and parents need to see themselves in that role. Once my mom determined that our behavior merited a spanking, she first told us why she was pulling out the belt or sandal.

When I didn't want to eat all of my vegetables, I wouldn't get desert.
When I threw a water-balloon at my cousin inside the house, I got spanked.
I earned every single one, and I recognize today as a parent of a 6 year old, how hard it must have been for my mom, and how right she was.

I will say spanking is necessary for parenting, especially for adolescents. My parents raised me in a very strict household so I can explain from experience when spanking is absolutely needed and when spanking can be abusive.

Spanking is not always the answer to a child's misbehavior. Smacking in its essential form is to bring a sense of seriousness to the situation. It is a very quick and efficient way to have the child stop, and to show the parent's authority. When young, children don't know what's best, esp in terms of safety. In particular not every child understands a grave situation, but every child knows the feeling of pain. So administering pain is the fastest way to communicate to the child when to stop. Although having a discussion is an alternative, spanking when done properly is the most efficient way to teach behavior.

There's the misconception that introducing violence during adolescence breeds future violent behavior. This is untrue, if the disciplining is administered properly. As noted in the radio program, spanking a child consistently and clearly informing the reasons is the proper way to punish a child. As long as the parent consistently chastises the child for similar misbehaviors, the child will learn. This also means the child must know that his punishment is due to his misbehavior. Hitting your child just because the parent is frustrated is abuse. The punishment must be fair and just.

Spanking doesn't make sense, logically. Our society enacts laws to protect children - we escalate criminal charges if the victim is under 18, such as "reckless endangerment of a child," "child neglect" etc. If I hit an adult, I can be charged with battery. Why then is hitting a child okay? Do unto others, folks. Spanking is bad parenting. You're the adult, you should be able to think of a nonviolent way to discipline your kid. I have a 5 month old and he is not going to be hit.

Child buttock-battering vs. DISCIPLINE:

Child buttock-battering for the purpose of gaining compliance is nothing more than an inherited bad habit.

Its a good idea for people to take a look at what they are doing, and learn how to DISCIPLINE instead of hit.

I think the reason why television shows like "Supernanny" and "Dr. Phil" are so popular is because that is precisely what many (not all) people are trying to do.

There are several reasons why child buttock-battering isn't a good idea. Here are some good, quick reads recommended by professionals:

Plain Talk About Spanking
by Jordan Riak,

The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children
by Tom Johnson,

NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say
by Lesli Taylor M.D. and Adah Maurer Ph.D.

Most compelling of all reasons to abandon this worst of all bad habits is the fact that buttock-battering can be unintentional sexual abuse for some children. There is an abundance of educational resources, testimony, documentation, etc available on the subject that can easily be found by doing a little research on "spanking".

Just a handful of those helping to raise awareness of why child buttock-battering isn't a good idea:

American Academy of Pediatrics,

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry,

Center For Effective Discipline,

PsycHealth Ltd Behavioral Health Professionals,

Churches' Network For Non-Violence,

Nobel Peace Prize recipient Archbishop Desmond Tutu,

Parenting In Jesus' Footsteps,

Global Initiative To End All Corporal Punishment of Children,

United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child.

In 26 countries, child buttock-battering is prohibited by law (with more in process). In fact, the US was the only UN member that did not ratify the Convention on the Rights of the Child.