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Hawk Humor

Free bird.
Free bird.
Ilsa Setziol

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Off-Ramp Commentator Christopher Ames' hawk's eye view of the fire...


Hello, my name is Sid and I’m a rataholic.

(CROWD: Hi, Sid)

So, to qualify, well, I’m a hawk… any other hawks out there today? Yeah, I see you. Eyes like a well, you know. OK, so mosta you guys are slim and sleek and, uh, I’m obviously not. That’s why I’m here at Rataholics Anonymous. I love rats. Too much.

I had a very rough week. You know that big fire up in the Angeles National Forest… some of you went through it with me. Baloo, how you doin? Bambi, how’s the kids? Zasu, you I’m not talking to. Why? Because I helped you build that nest last summer and you still owe me seventeen twigs and a throat fulla barf!

Anyway, different subject. That’s for my Angry Predators Anonymous meeting.

So. The fire. Yeah, bummer. When I first smelled the smoke, I high tailed it. (Heh heh) high tailed it, get it? OK, hawk humor. So I flew away, yeah, got all the way to Castaic before I felt safe. Castaic -- truckers -- garbage. Great for buzzards, huh? But Im a hawk. I DO NOT DO GARBAGE!

So I’m dealing with all this stress, right? Do I eat over it? No. At least not for the first couple of days. But then when I fly back, what do I see? The biggest barbecue buffet in the universe!

Now I’ve got a very strict food program… three squirrel meals a day plus two snacks… seeds, berries, I mean, I can’t stand the stuff… like who ever heard of a vegetarian hawk? But I eat it to try to stay full.

And now this. Everywhere I look, roasted rabbit and quail and lizards and… yeah… rats. All you can eat. My trigger food.

Other animals, they don’t care. And people… forget about it. All they see is destruction and tragedy and mudslides in their future. But hold up a nice rat flambee in front of them… they don’t appreciate. God I wish I could think like a civilian sometimes.

Good news: so far, I’ve abstained. I phoned a few of you, but everybody was busy staying out of danger. A couple of crows called back, but CAW CAW, how’s that keep you from pigging out?

So when I leave here I have to fly over one huge California Fried Everything restaurant. Rats EVERYWHERE. I hear them calling… I’m here… I’m ready… I’m tender and juicy on the inside and crispy on the outside.

God give me strength.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Just being here with you guys has given me one more hour of abstinence. When I leave, I’m going to grab a few nuts, drink some puddle water, and try to focus on being the best hawk I can.

One day at a time… rat free.