We’ve learned about al Qaida leader Osama bin Laden’s diary entries on planning mass casualty terrorist attacks, on continuing the global jihad in the face of American aggression and his musings on the state of Islam. But what about the mundane details of bin Laden’s five years hiding out in Pakistan? Did he complain about being trapped in close quarters with his wife (wives); did he spy on any of his neighbors; did he long for the simple pleasures of the outside world, like a big flat screen TV or a BLT on rye bread? KPCC and Patt Morrison have obtained exclusive access to bin Laden’s diary and we will bring you excerpts of the al Qaida leader’s life behind the walls of his Abbottabad compound. From his demands that his kids clean up the living room to his long deliberations on what robes to wear for a given day, Patt goes beyond the pesky terrorism stuff and drills down on the life of Osama bin Laden.
Alonzo Bodden, regular on Comedy Congress; winner of season 3 of NBC’s Last Comic Standing and regular performer and field correspondent for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Ben Gleib, regular on Comedy Congress; touring stand up comic, regular panelist on the E! Network’s Chelsea Lately, regular performer on the CBS The Late Late Show and on NBC’s Last Call with Carson Daly
Diary exclusives as imagined by
August 4, 2007
It has been a veeeery long day. It's year 4. Still stuck in this
I'm so lonely. My 4 wives are no help. I can't even remember three
of their names. Plus they are no help because I don't respect women
enough to talk to them.
Starting to think maybe attacking america was a stupid idea.
No one understands me.
In this isolation, it's starting to feel like everyone is an infidel.
Even my courier has been looking at me funny. I fear i will be alone
January 22, 2008
I am bored. My email server is very slow. I mean the guy has to
walk forty miles and wait for gamers to be done playing doom at the
local internet cafe to even send my messages out. Then i have to
wait 9 days for him to return. so as not to arise suspicion. but i
suspect he is banging a girl in Islamabad, and that too is the
culprit to blame for his long absences.
So be it. time is a neverending spinning top in here. much like in
the movie inception.
that leonardo dicaprio is really wonderful. anywho, goodnight, and
Dearest of all diaries,
March 9, 2008
Osama here again. ah, who am i kidding, you probably know that by
now. i'm going to be blunt. i miss the relationship i USED to have
with america. they used to give me gifts. weapons. money. their
undying support. then, inexplicably, things started to change.
Russia gets out of our hair, and, suddenly out of the clear blue sky,
i start feeling the USA is just not that into me. i mean i'll always
have the weapons they gave me. but i miss the affection. i miss the
phone calls. most of all, i miss ronald reagan. he spoiled me like
only a real sugar daddy can. he was my daddy warbucks. and i was his
little orphan osama.
Dearest of all diaries,
December 25th, 2009.
Feeling particularly powerful today. I don't know why exactly. It's
a good hair day. Plus some dude on an airplane in america attempted
to blow up his underwear. Sounds like a painful way to go to me.
But I appreciate the effort. And I bet his testicles appreciate that
it was a botched attempt! Heyo! But for real though, it's kin dof
impressive what i've done. i mean i suffered from depression for a
couple years, i suggest people do some cracy things, and suddenly,
boom, i'm this big feared mastermind. Baiting people into terrorist
acts. Thats what a mastermind does. He baits. If he's particularly
good, he masterbates. What? that's the way a mastermind baits
people. Get your mind out of the gutter. But for real though. My
al queda dudes are too loyal. I mean they kill themselves to punish
people a world away, who they have never met. because I got annoyed
back in the day that those people built military bases in my home
country. I don't even care anymore. HAven't been bothered by it in
over a decade. But this perception of anger had kind of become my
thing. So may as well go with it. It gives me respect!
But my guys, I mean really, are they gullible or what? I mean they
murder themselves to get 72 girls in heaven who have never had sex?!
I can't believe they bought that. i have 4 wives! they are my
goddesses. WINNING! sorry. just love me some charlie sheen. he
just tells it like it is. by the way, did you know that his producer
chuck lorre's real name is chaim. that means he's a jew. pretty
funny right? anywho, point is these guys are killing themselves for
virgins, and I have 4 girls here who have done it plenty of times,
and i got to tell you. it's overrated. However, i do grant you,
it's hard to get turned on when your wife has just cut a whole in a
burka. and all you get to see is her nose and eyes. I mean i am a
nose man, but still, it gets old. literally. Okay, enough jokes!
Anywho, my eyelids are feeling droopy, and I already had far too much
haggen daaz, so Osama's been enough of a bad boy for one evening.
good night. and good luck. all my love, OBL.
Dearest of all diaries,
April 29, 2011.
My courier finally brought over that X Box i've been dying for. The
graphics are incredible. It really feels like you are killing
people. Not that i would know. I'm always having my followers do it
for me. i mean really these guys gotta start thinking for
themselves. it's like i'm sick of them being so needy all the time.
If only my followers had an X Box, they'd be able to blow off a lot
more steam. but what can you do? you gotta go with the followers
that brought you there. they may not be perfect, but they blindly do
what i say, so that's pretty good. I gotta be honest. I fantasize
sometimes about, at the end of one of my ridiculous, predictable
videos where i tell people to renew their vigilance against the west,
i fantasize about, at the end, putting on a mesh hat, ashton kutcher
style, and telling all my al queada members that they've been
punked. man, i mean i've been getting them good. ...but alas, i
dont have have the gumption to do it. i'm a lot of things. but i've
never been a great practical joker. i just chicken out last minute
and never reveal it. anyway, we all have our limitations. speaking
of ashton kutcher, here's an idea i've had for a few weeks now. why
doesnt he replace charlie sheen on 2 and a half men. i think he'd be
very charming, and bring a certain Je Ne Sais Quoi to the role.
yeah. i have been in this compound way too long, so long, i'm pretty
sure the americans will never find me. nighty night. sweet dreams.
May 1, 2011
I'm having that dream again. it's late. it's dark. and the navy
seals descend on my compound. two of them burst into my room. i
push one of my wives at them. they shove her aside and shoot me in
the eye. i've had this dream a million times, but somehow this time
it feels more real. wait! WHAT IS THAT NOISE!? no. i must be
hearing things. relax osama, relax. its just your imagination
playing tricks on you. breathe in, breathe out. wax on, wax off.
wait, no, what was that? Oh no, my door has been smashed in. quick,
let me push one of my wives at them. oh damn, that didnt work! Ow!
I've just been shot in the chest! It hurts, alot, but this is not
like my dream at all. in my dream i get shot in the... wait, where
is he aiming now? ...uh oh.